Not In My Experience
by Smudge93
Summary: Tag to Lazarus Rising - WARNING: spoiler for the final scene of the premiere of S4. Lots of things left unsaid in that scene.


Ok this last little scene just bugged me! There's was so much not said in it except for in Dean's eyes. And why now? Why would God intervene in the Winchester's life now and just expect Dean to go along?

I'm sure we will find out but until then...there's this.

**Dark type - Dean's actual words from the episode**.

**_Dark italics - the angel's words from the episode_**

Other type is Dean's thoughts and feelings.

A reviewer queried Dean mentioning his age here - its 26 because he was 4 when his mom was taken from him, hopefully his life didn't turn 'crappy' until after that. Thanks for pointing this out and letting me clear it up! Cheers Mary x

--

"**Who are you?"**

"_**I'm the one that gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."**_

"**Yeah? Thanks for that." **

"_**We need to talk **__**Dean, alone."**_

"…**I mean what are you?"**

"_**I'm an Angel of the Lord"**_

_An angel. A freakin' angel. __There's no such thing. I don't believe it. God sent an angel into hell to rescue me? Why? All this time walking amongst true evil and __**now **__I get to see an angel. Yeah right._

"**Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing."**

Dean shook his head and glared at the man in front of him as his mother's voice filled his head for a brief moment. _'Angels are watching over you Dean.'_

_Nice try but she was wrong, there's nobody that's ever watched over me, there never has been, it's always been me just trying to make it through another day. Always._

'_**This is your problem Dean**__**, you have no faith.' **_

_I've lived this crappy life for nearly twenty six years now__, give or take……since I was dead and in hell for some of it…..and you stand there and accuse me of having no faith __Why would I, of all __people, have any faith? What has he ever shown me to make me believe in him? Where was God when I needed __**him**__?_

"**Look pal I'm not buying what you're selling so who are you really?"**

"_**I told you."**_

_Yeah an angel right, __that leaves a question here._

"**Right and why would an angel rescue me from hell?"**

'_**Good things do happen Dean'**_

_Good things do happen?__ You know you must be right, let's see, what good things has your God ever done for me? _

_He let my mother __be ripped from me when I was four. __**Four!**_

_He let my father drag me __and my brother all over this green earth looking for the thing that killed her. We had no life, no home._

_He let my father sell his soul for me__ and die. _

_He let my brother die in my arms! _

_He let me sell my soul to resurrect him and __**then he let me go to Hell!!**_

_So tell me what good things have ever happened to me in my life that would make me have faith in __your God? That would make me believe? Tell me?_

"**Not in my experience."**

'_**What's the matter, you don't think you deserved to be saved?'**_

"**Why'd you do it?"**

'_**Because God commanded it….**_

_You reached down and dragged me from….what was it…..oh __yeah, perdition, on his say so. You're telling me I deserved to be saved? Why now? Why not before I went to Hell? Why not before I even sold my soul? Perhaps I've paid my dues and this is my reward? _

_Why me??_

……_**because w**__**e have work for you.'**_

_That's more like it.God saved me because he's got work for me__. Doesn't sound as if he saved me then because I deserved it. It just sounds like all the other crap that I've ever heard. He saved me because just like everybody else in my life he wants something from me._

_What did you think that I'd just lie down and gratefully accept my mission because God commanded it? You really don't know me at all. So why don't we see how much this is about me deserving to be saved and __how much is him wanting me to work for him?_

_So __I wonder what would God do…..what would he say…….if I told you that I'm not interested in the work that you have for me? Would he still think that I deserved to be saved? Would he still leave me here or would he send me back._

_Then again, m__aybe he wasn't giving me a choice?_


End file.
